What path?

When my 14yr old daughter asked me yesterday " what's the difference between being in a relationship and having friends" I answered as truthfully as I could while remaining on her wavelength.  She's not boy crazy or obsessed with having a boyfriend.

So I said " it's that one special person that's just for you, you know they will always be there  for you no matter what and who you will always be there  for. And so you never feel lonely "

That's when it occurred to me that I don't think I shall have that again in this life.

I used to think I was the failure, then I thought I was the wounded victim. Then I thought I was too complacent, too trusting, too patient and too supportive. But then those are good traits.

I failed because I was not  a size 8 lust bucket  but a size 14 mother of 4 juggling full time work and the vast majority of the parenting and house running.

But almost 2 years on from the second husband leaving, the one who I thought would never not be there, the one who I truly believed was my soulmate I now wonder was it life that just got in the way and he simply opted out for  perceived greener pastures.

Wounds so deep have changed me. My path forever changed. I don't even know what path I'm on yet. 

It's particularly hard to articulate when ones sadness becomes depression and the anxiety you have been arguing with for years starts winning again. To try to have others understand that being powerless in your own life puts you in places that are a constant, exhausting battle.

How does one convey hopelessness yet the urge to look forward. The fear of the future and the inability to actually plan it. Or the financial constraints imposed upon you that again reinforces the lack of power and ownership of your own ability to get through more than one day at a time?

I have a sticker on my bathroom mirror that says " one day at a time" to remind me that's ok.

So to think that I might find someone else in the future to share myself with is highly inconceivable to me in this day. And the desire to even do so not even a flicker.

I have many who surround me with love and support, I am filled with love and gratitude. Yet I can almost feel my future loneliness.

So I guess,  in a sense, I do know my path.

A letter to my oldest boy via thoughts to mysef

I don't comprehend hypocrites.
When unkind, self absorbed liars post uplifting mantras telling the masses to be kind for example.

Or narcissists declare that compassion and open communication, trust and respect build relationships...no - somone with the capacity to do these things rather than say them - can build relationships.

And people who rip off others they are supposedly in partnership with...personal or work related...that bleed you dry, and just opt out....no explanation, no follow thru, no resolutions.... just completely self absorbed into their own new reality.

Those people can suck a big.... onion.

Karma is supposed to come and give them an uppercut but sometimes that's a long time coming. I'm learning that I have to stop being so kind and helpful and easy to get along with. I need to be a hardarse and get mean.

And now my eldest boy has found the same.

What makes others turn into selfish versions of the people they were? Into people who skew the past into their own weird little excuse for their self serving actions.

Why do they steal from us that which we thought was honest and true? Why do they renig on deals and not think to include us in the decision to do so?

People are arses and think it's just dandy. They blunder forward with no regard, and we stand, stuck in a moment we trusted was true... unable to take ourselves back to a time that no longer exists, questioning if we can move forward due to apathy and positions we have found ourselves in...all power being whisked away from us, left to ponder.

To my oldest boy- stay true. This is not a sign to give up, it's a sign to trust few but yourself, strive to reach your goals and appreciate life lessons that will make you stronger. Give gratitude to those who remain true and leave the rest far behind.
Love your passion and your talent. They can't steal that from you. 
Couldn't be prouder of the person you are.

Somehow

Again with the technology blips!!

I've hurt my back. Apart from the interruption to my rigorous TV watching I've had to take my bra off. An issue in itself.

Any mother (of 4) who has carried extra weight around since the last baby ( now 14) knows what saggy,  baggy table weights- encased in stretched skin feels like.

There is no perky bounce... more a sway like an elephant's trunk sway in the shape of a diffetent part of a male's anatomy.  But damn that bra clasp for being right on the pain part of the spine.

I guess I could struggle into a crop top... if I had one. They don't tend to make nice, supportive, comfortable, cheap crop tops in size "watermelon". 

So, I have laid on the blue foam roller. No relief.
Rolled on the roller.
Nup.
Rolled all over the floor stretching.
Nope.
Propped myself up on lounge.
Still nopity nope.

I guess it could be the 2 x 8 reps of free hand weight I lifted last night at 11:53am . But I suspect not.... because it began to hurt after I got up and hung washing. Then arrived at the overflowing kitchen plate and utensil storage recopticle.
I believe I am allergic to the constant clutter of dishes and pans in the sink. Never have I ever- been able to get my children ( the 3 that still live here) to understand that things that don't fit in the dishwasher dont magically wash themselves and jump back into the cupboard.
Or
When I have handwashed them ... need to be put away. They just assume they now live on the dishrack after mysteriously migrating out of the sink of their own accord.

Same with clean  clothes.

Why put them away from the pile or basket when you can just keep fossicking  around to find clean clothes messing up my hours of folding?

The wandering mind of a mother with a sore back... is an amazing thing.

Spoilt.2

Don't you hate when you write a perfectly good post and include many poignant moments and segways back to the initial point...
Then technology

Annoying

Short version:
Spoilt at dinner for my 50th at Aria by my brother. Tick to glorious and outstanding view, thanks bro for mentioning the bday...thanks Aria for the brilliant table.

Move onto lamenting about becoming fashion inept at this point in my life... link up to me ACTUALLY purchasing and buying a pantsuit/ jumpsuit.
Felt like thoroughly modern Milly.
Realised non stretch polished cotton material is at risk of bursting at seam unless I address current thigh girth.

The soufflè for dessert was amazing! Of course I had it. And French Champagne.  Who wouldn't!

Let's see if version 2 works!

Who reads blogs anyway

Who reads these?
How do they know they are there?
Is it a sad cry for attention?

You know when you look through your inbox list and you feel like you have worn out your welcome
Or
You cant bring yourself to lament to these poor people anymore when they have their own issues

Blerk

Blerk

Blerk should be a real word.
I feel blerk
Things are blerk
That has a blerk factor of 900

I have heard recent news reporters say "nother"
Not Another or Other.... NOTHER