What path?

When my 14yr old daughter asked me yesterday " what's the difference between being in a relationship and having friends" I answered as truthfully as I could while remaining on her wavelength.  She's not boy crazy or obsessed with having a boyfriend.

So I said " it's that one special person that's just for you, you know they will always be there  for you no matter what and who you will always be there  for. And so you never feel lonely "

That's when it occurred to me that I don't think I shall have that again in this life.

I used to think I was the failure, then I thought I was the wounded victim. Then I thought I was too complacent, too trusting, too patient and too supportive. But then those are good traits.

I failed because I was not  a size 8 lust bucket  but a size 14 mother of 4 juggling full time work and the vast majority of the parenting and house running.

But almost 2 years on from the second husband leaving, the one who I thought would never not be there, the one who I truly believed was my soulmate I now wonder was it life that just got in the way and he simply opted out for  perceived greener pastures.

Wounds so deep have changed me. My path forever changed. I don't even know what path I'm on yet. 

It's particularly hard to articulate when ones sadness becomes depression and the anxiety you have been arguing with for years starts winning again. To try to have others understand that being powerless in your own life puts you in places that are a constant, exhausting battle.

How does one convey hopelessness yet the urge to look forward. The fear of the future and the inability to actually plan it. Or the financial constraints imposed upon you that again reinforces the lack of power and ownership of your own ability to get through more than one day at a time?

I have a sticker on my bathroom mirror that says " one day at a time" to remind me that's ok.

So to think that I might find someone else in the future to share myself with is highly inconceivable to me in this day. And the desire to even do so not even a flicker.

I have many who surround me with love and support, I am filled with love and gratitude. Yet I can almost feel my future loneliness.

So I guess,  in a sense, I do know my path.